I don't have a title for this mainly because it's 12:30PM and I'm just fresh out of mojo for the day.
I miss Drew. a lot. I miss just being able to wake up and know that he is here. It's something I haven't fully learned to deal with yet, and I I don't think I ever will. I miss his patience, his easygoingness (is that a word?), and just his laugh. He has so many qualities I don't. I feel at times that I crush his spirit with my constant questioning and that I show how much of a hypocrit I am. I say that I trust God. Saying and doing are two very, very different things. If there's anything that I've learned this year, it's that you can talk the God-talk, but walking the God-walk proves to be much more of a challenge. Something about sin being in our lives....
I'm pretty frantic at times, and well, this blog entry will prove it.
I'm just really at a loss for words at God this year. I really don't know whether to jump, skip, hop, or walk into the next room. I don't know whether to burst through the door, or creep in silently. I know that whatever I do, I cannot do it in good motivation without God.
It's my senior year, and therefore I'm required to take a class called "Christian Faith". It's very eye opening at times, and I almost wish I had that class everyday. It shows me that I'm really not alone in all my questions and frustrations about God. I'm learning to simplify everything. I've been taught my whole life, processess, steps, goals, and different ways to get "there", without having any idea where "there" was supposed to be. Now that I see that sanctification and Godliness are my goals, I'm having a hard time fitting that into my "get what you want when you want" upbringing. Our whole lives we are taught to achieve. Parents regard us as assets and pour over our achievments and aspirations. (Hence the forking out of almost 30 grand per year to pay for Olivet.) and for what? So we can get the piece of paper to make more money than the other guy? So we can "be happier"?
Really, in all honesty, I don't buy it. Happiness isn't about getting what you want in life, it's about loving what you have. There's no doubt - I'm thankful that I have the financial support and the opportunity to come to place like Olivet and further my education. I'm thankful that I live in a country where I can freely worship Jesus without any fear of death. I am thankful for a lot of things. I'm just really feeling like I'm at a crossroads. I can choose to do what I want and achieve great things, or I can choose to follow God and be at his feet knowing that it demands death-to-self. Anyways...
I really don't know where I was going with this, but I know that I've been really frustrated lately and it probably because I am not doing what God wants me to do. I mean, you can be frustrated and be following God, no one said it was supposed to be comfortable...but I haven't been in the word as much as a should, and I certainly haven't been acting like it either. Curse my perfectionism.
Also something else that has been on my heart is forgiveness. I can't seem to forgive myself, and I see others who can't forgive themselves and others. I constantly tell myself "We are all brothers and sisters in Christ, everyone makes mistakes, I should be loving unconditionally to the best of my ability and not expecting anything in return..." and yet, I can't seem to suck it up and actually move on from that sentence.
A thousand and one cliches are running through my head right now. "Give it to God." "Lay it at the feet of Jesus" "You are your own worst enemy"
it's 12:45. I have chapel in the morning. Praying for you, and I love you all.
