So, today was pretty normal (minus the pain in my abdomen this morning) I went to work, then I went to Bob's to feed the dogs and birds and then I came home to grab some food.
I get home, my mom is pissed and slamming stuff around.
and my brother is the only one in the house.
Here we go again.
There's really nothing I love more then family fights.
They used to put an ache in my gut, a damper on the whole day, and they just plain sucked most of the time.
but now, I see things differently.
I see them as an opportunity to learn.
My mother and my brother are a lot alike. Mostly in the temperament and demeanor they have, but also in the way they fight. Most of the time this is not really the problem.
The problem lies in the fact that my brother is an 18 year old adolescent who doesn't really pay attention to the world around him and care about others. This means he doesn't do housework unless you ask him to, and even then it will only get done on his time-line. This, of course, does not make my mother too happy. She's been working in an 85 degree warehouse all day, and then goes grocery shopping (because my brother called and asked when she was going to go). Naturally, she needs help with the groceries when she arrives at home. She texts my brother. He doesn't get the text. She calls the house, he doesn't answer. My mom is sitting in the driveway frustrated.
Anyways, long story short - a fight ensues, and my mother and my brother are both scolded by my father for being irrational.
My brother is a boy. He doesn't see past today.
My mother is well....a woman, constantly thinking about the past present and future.
This is, I'm pretty positive, the WORST possible combination of attitudes God ever created.
There's something special about growing up with two people all your life, and just figuring out why things sucked so bad prior to figuring them out. It's like an epiphany. I feel like I can solve a mystery in two seconds that would take a licenced therapist months to figure out. Knowing people...really knowing them is what it takes.
There are problems dating back to my mother's childhood, that are the reason she is the way she is.
I know what you're thinking...Duh, Sam.
However, if these are problems, they denote a negative connotation. What are we to do?
We take those negative things that happened and try to forget, forgive, and renew our mind with the help of God and others around us. I believe that's what makes the difference.
My mother never really bothered or cared to resurface her childhood issues and therefore is acting accordingly now in her 40's. She has obviously let go of a lot in recent years (losing both my Papa and Nina) and that I have taken into account. She did not exactly have the easiest childhood; growing up with 5 siblings and having a father who himself was abused and starved as a child. I'd say she did pretty damn good for what she was given.
This, a therapist may never know. This is why she acts the way she does. Now of course there is a combination of factors other than her childhood, but most of how she deals with conflict comes from that time.
Each opportunity I get to see my mother fight (or anyone in my family for that matter) I will pay close attention to their words, their body language, and even their actions after. It is really much easier now that I'm older to listen and know what needs to be said and have the balls to say it. When I was younger I let my emotions take over and get in the way of my message. Now that I'm mostly numb to any sort of family conflict (after what we've been through) I can more clearly see that it's so incredibly simple. I used to agonize over "sharing my feelings" and tear myself apart when my parents fought for no reason. I have realized that honesty is the best policy. You can never be too honest when it comes to investing in improving someones attitude. By looking at conflict as a type of learning experience has allowed me to look and listen for God more, as well. I can see him at work, even in the conflict. It's really quite amazing. I can also use conflict as a way to refine and renew myself. I want to be like my mother when I'm older in a lot of ways, she is a great housekeeper, chef, childcare expert, and selfless giver. There are some things however that I have to say thanks to my mom for showing me. She is really investing in the next generation by showing me the bad and ugly. I will be able to point out when I act a certain way more frequently and diligently now that I have this understanding.
I really just pray for my brother, that he would see the good in my mother more than the bad, as I have. He loves her, they just don't understand each other. It will come with time and age.
and of course honesty.
"An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips."
Proverbs 24:26
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