Sinking Sand.

I am not quite sure how I feel at the moment, and I'm not okay with that. So, bare with me as I attempt to...

make no sense at all.

***

I like to have have a grasp on things and right now I feel like I don't. Things keep slipping, I keep slipping. I'm sinking deeper and deeper into myself.

Everytime I think I'm getting life right, God smacks my tray full of delicious homemade food that I spent hours cooking into the air...and then it crashes to the ground.

This happens often, and yet I still can't see it coming and prepare myself for it.

Or should I?

I need to stop lying to myself. I am nothing. I can't change anyone or anything until I change myself. If I'm living right, and loving right...what else is there?

I've thought I could be "super Sam" and run a marathon, when I haven't even trained for it. I haven't been relying on God, I haven't been renewing my mind, I haven't been really doing much of anything except trying to prove to myself that I can do this "Christian" thing.

I've been broken, again. I don't want to be this little blob of insecurities, complaints and grievances anymore. The world owes me absolutely nothing. God owes me absolutely nothing. I know this, yet I can't live this. I've been battling the culture, when I haven't even battled the bad stuff that's inside of me first.

I need to fill up with God, breathe scripture, stop judging everyone and everything around me, be thankful, love always, and live as God intended.

All this brokenness further proves to me that no man, no matter how spiritual he may be, can make it without Jesus. There's always a hammer that cracks and resounds through everyone's soul. Some push him away because he convicts, others embrace him and live for him, and some attempt to bargain with him. I'm the bargainer. Once I understood what truth was, I set out trying to get other people to see it, instead of taking the fruits of that realization to change myself. I really don't understand what love is. I have been humbled by the fact that I don't know the first thing about being a Christian. I can't build myself up, only God can do that. On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. I need to be still, and just shut up. It's not my life anymore.

<3