A Prayer.

Dear Lord,

I thank you for this day, I thank You for being able to see and hear this morning. I'm blessed because you are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said, or thought that was not pleasing to You. I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from and listen to You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Give me the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits, knowing that they extend to great lengths in You. I know that when I can't pray You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are unsaved, misguided, misjudged, misunderstood. I thank you that I believe that God changes people and hearts. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than You. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.

Amen.

Selfless abandon.

I need to leave. (want)

I need to just get away from everything and everyone. (want)

and yet, I think I would die if I did. (okay, not die..just maybe be really upset)

Everytime I think I know myself well enough to take the mirror off the wall and live, I find something else to examine and change...or just hate. Such is life.

It's exhausting. Such is life.

Being selfless is becoming selfish of me. and that may make no sense to the rest of you, but I'm pretty sure it's my biggest downfall. let me explain the best way my confused and beat up brain knows how.

I don't win people over. People win me over, in turn making me want to win them over. It's like when I meet someone I look for a roadmap to who they are. and if they don't show me one, I make my own for them. Then I give it to them. Sometimes they are amazed at how simple the paths are, and other times they are amazed at how many twists and turns I had to go through to figure it out. People wonder why I do this, and you know what? I don't have an answer. It's the nitty gritty stuff I'm interested in, not the stuff you tell me. With my estimation, there is approximately 75% more to a person than what they articulate (or try to articulate) to other people, depending on how many walls they've built and how guarded they naturally are. It's that 75% that takes selflessness on my part to figure out, or even want to figure out. I enjoy spending time with them, being concerned about them, empathizing with them, and just figuring them out.

Of course, it's not all fun and games. This isn't some kind of pastime or experiment. but there I said it - I enjoy figuring people out no matter how much it may suck. It's something that I find very fulfilling. and that's where the selfish part comes in. It almost boosts my self-esteem. It makes me feel like I'm needed, like I'm worth something.

Me and my disposition have a love-hate relationship.

I am not quite sure if any of the past paragraphs made any sense whatsoever, but I'm pretty much just voicing my frustrations about who I am. I don't know what would be a better alternative - maybe the "abandon" part of the title.

God is showing me everyday - especially through this "character trait" (more like flaw) - that I have to take His motives and use them as my own. That way I won't become selfish about being selfless. Sounds impossible, but sin is powerful.

Jesus is moreso.

"All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD."

Proverbs 16:2 (NIV)

Lazy Sunday

Currently Listening to: I Can Feel A Hot One - Manchester Orchestra










I guess today's title is slightly contradictory because Sundays are supposed to be lazy.

What I did today:

Slept until 11:30am. ('twas nice)

Ate some Kashi and helped my Facebook illiterate father eliminate over 35 friend/group/cause invitations.

Cleaned the house. (My mother gets home from Las Vegas tomorrow)

Went swimming with my father/sunbathed.

Got dressed and went to KenTacoHut with my father and brother.

Went to Walmart with my father and brother and bought shaving cream.

Came home and downloaded songs/organized my iTunes.

Okay, so after further inspection of how much I actually did today - maybe a not so lazy Sunday.

I don't think I'm capable of living a lazy day. I'd like to be.

Bridal showers and people skills.

So today I went to Hope's (Faith's sister) bridal shower.

yep.

I voluntarily went.

To a bridal shower.

If you know me, this news may seem shocking - however, for those who don't, let me tell you a little bit about myself.

*cue ripple effect*

I am not a big fan of any sort of female comradery such as baby showers, bridal showers, girls night out, sleepover parties, spa nights, jewelry parties, candle parties, etc. It's not that I'm a complete tomboy, or that I absolutely hate these events. It's what they've become that I hate.

Money. (candle/jewelry parties)

Proving something, angry at the opposite sex (girls night out/sleepovers)

Vanity, complaints about the body God gave you (spa nights)

It's just feeding into our negativity.

All of these events should be about blessings, fellowship with members of the same sex, and just building relationships to last a lifetime.

Keep it simple. Love God. Love people. It works.

Creation.

I created this blog mainly out of my own need for an outlet to express my ideas, ideals, emotions, thoughts, frustrations, beliefs, quirks, and any lack thereof. You plug things into an outlet. I'm going to plug in myself. The parts that can be plugged into a blog anyway (Heart, mind, soul).

This is not to say, however that I don't already have other outlets for these sort of things, but if you know me you know I'm better at typing myself out then speaking myself out.

This might scare some of you away, and that's fine - I still love you. Others of you may discover that I think too much - this is true.

Whatever your motivation for reading this, I hope you get something positive out of it. I know I will.