Selfless abandon.

I need to leave. (want)

I need to just get away from everything and everyone. (want)

and yet, I think I would die if I did. (okay, not die..just maybe be really upset)

Everytime I think I know myself well enough to take the mirror off the wall and live, I find something else to examine and change...or just hate. Such is life.

It's exhausting. Such is life.

Being selfless is becoming selfish of me. and that may make no sense to the rest of you, but I'm pretty sure it's my biggest downfall. let me explain the best way my confused and beat up brain knows how.

I don't win people over. People win me over, in turn making me want to win them over. It's like when I meet someone I look for a roadmap to who they are. and if they don't show me one, I make my own for them. Then I give it to them. Sometimes they are amazed at how simple the paths are, and other times they are amazed at how many twists and turns I had to go through to figure it out. People wonder why I do this, and you know what? I don't have an answer. It's the nitty gritty stuff I'm interested in, not the stuff you tell me. With my estimation, there is approximately 75% more to a person than what they articulate (or try to articulate) to other people, depending on how many walls they've built and how guarded they naturally are. It's that 75% that takes selflessness on my part to figure out, or even want to figure out. I enjoy spending time with them, being concerned about them, empathizing with them, and just figuring them out.

Of course, it's not all fun and games. This isn't some kind of pastime or experiment. but there I said it - I enjoy figuring people out no matter how much it may suck. It's something that I find very fulfilling. and that's where the selfish part comes in. It almost boosts my self-esteem. It makes me feel like I'm needed, like I'm worth something.

Me and my disposition have a love-hate relationship.

I am not quite sure if any of the past paragraphs made any sense whatsoever, but I'm pretty much just voicing my frustrations about who I am. I don't know what would be a better alternative - maybe the "abandon" part of the title.

God is showing me everyday - especially through this "character trait" (more like flaw) - that I have to take His motives and use them as my own. That way I won't become selfish about being selfless. Sounds impossible, but sin is powerful.

Jesus is moreso.

"All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD."

Proverbs 16:2 (NIV)