Hey Look!

It's a new post! Isn't it cute.

Nevermind my lame attempt at an attention getter. Lets get into it.

So there are three weeks left in the semester and it's kinda freaking me out a little bit. It went by so fast that I didn't even have time to contemplate how fast it went by. O.o

Also something that has been on my mind lately is where one puts their value. Sometimes I feel terrible about myself and other times I feel pretty damn good. A lot of my self-value and esteem comes from other people and I really need to change that. I need to re-define some things in my life and file them in the "less important" drawer. I should get my identity in Christ, but do I? I'd like to say and think I do, but the problem lies within the fact that I don't act like it. I should have so much confidence in Jesus that I will have confidence in myself. If He is for us, then who can be against us?

Just last night on the way back from dropping Drew at O'hare, I was listening to a sermon by a southern dude that was about how we shouldn't worry. If anyone knows me at all, you will concure that I have problems when it comes to over-worry. This sermon really hit me hard because he said that worry was a sin and a slap in the face to God. If that is true then I should join the band "Godsmack" or something.

Right after that sermon, there was another by an Irish Gentleman about being thankful for everything and loving what you have to be truly happy. These two sermons were both about things that I know and I have heard, and yet I don't act them out. That's always the struggle.

I place my value in others' definitions of who I am, and what people I respect tell me about myself. I should be acting more like Jesus and not worrying so much about my value because I have value in Him! I should also learn to be more thankful for the fact that I am valued, and not just brush that fact aside like the other wise words I've heard before but never took to heart.

Take everything that it truly important to heart, you won't be disappointed. <3

No title.

I don't have a title for this mainly because it's 12:30PM and I'm just fresh out of mojo for the day.

I miss Drew. a lot. I miss just being able to wake up and know that he is here. It's something I haven't fully learned to deal with yet, and I I don't think I ever will. I miss his patience, his easygoingness (is that a word?), and just his laugh. He has so many qualities I don't. I feel at times that I crush his spirit with my constant questioning and that I show how much of a hypocrit I am. I say that I trust God. Saying and doing are two very, very different things. If there's anything that I've learned this year, it's that you can talk the God-talk, but walking the God-walk proves to be much more of a challenge. Something about sin being in our lives....

I'm pretty frantic at times, and well, this blog entry will prove it.

I'm just really at a loss for words at God this year. I really don't know whether to jump, skip, hop, or walk into the next room. I don't know whether to burst through the door, or creep in silently. I know that whatever I do, I cannot do it in good motivation without God.

It's my senior year, and therefore I'm required to take a class called "Christian Faith". It's very eye opening at times, and I almost wish I had that class everyday. It shows me that I'm really not alone in all my questions and frustrations about God. I'm learning to simplify everything. I've been taught my whole life, processess, steps, goals, and different ways to get "there", without having any idea where "there" was supposed to be. Now that I see that sanctification and Godliness are my goals, I'm having a hard time fitting that into my "get what you want when you want" upbringing. Our whole lives we are taught to achieve. Parents regard us as assets and pour over our achievments and aspirations. (Hence the forking out of almost 30 grand per year to pay for Olivet.) and for what? So we can get the piece of paper to make more money than the other guy? So we can "be happier"?

Really, in all honesty, I don't buy it. Happiness isn't about getting what you want in life, it's about loving what you have. There's no doubt - I'm thankful that I have the financial support and the opportunity to come to place like Olivet and further my education. I'm thankful that I live in a country where I can freely worship Jesus without any fear of death. I am thankful for a lot of things. I'm just really feeling like I'm at a crossroads. I can choose to do what I want and achieve great things, or I can choose to follow God and be at his feet knowing that it demands death-to-self. Anyways...

I really don't know where I was going with this, but I know that I've been really frustrated lately and it probably because I am not doing what God wants me to do. I mean, you can be frustrated and be following God, no one said it was supposed to be comfortable...but I haven't been in the word as much as a should, and I certainly haven't been acting like it either. Curse my perfectionism.

Also something else that has been on my heart is forgiveness. I can't seem to forgive myself, and I see others who can't forgive themselves and others. I constantly tell myself "We are all brothers and sisters in Christ, everyone makes mistakes, I should be loving unconditionally to the best of my ability and not expecting anything in return..." and yet, I can't seem to suck it up and actually move on from that sentence.

A thousand and one cliches are running through my head right now. "Give it to God." "Lay it at the feet of Jesus" "You are your own worst enemy"

it's 12:45. I have chapel in the morning. Praying for you, and I love you all.

Shorty Got Low, Low, Low, Low, Low, Low, Low, Low.

It's here! Yes ladies and gents! an all time low! and I'm not talking about the band.

I'm talking about life. I'm exhausted from the past two weeks of 14 hour days. I'm not excited at all for school to start or to meet new people.

I'm trying to prepare myself for a lot of things, without God's help..and it's not working. Go figure.

I feel useless. Feelings don't account for much anymore really, with the exception of self-pity blog entries such as this one. Let the whining commence.

I feel like I've been running a marathon with school, friends, family, work, and it's all for nothing. When I graduate, I'm going to be in a ton of debt, with no job, no husband, and just me myself and I to somehow make that work. I need God more than ever. I'm preparing myself to leave everything I have known behind and to start over, yet again. It's hard, but it needs to happen. The sad thing about all that is I have no one to back me up. No one I look up to anyway. My parents have been telling me not to get married right after school and to travel and do something for myself. WHEN THE HELL WOULD I HAVE THE MONEY FOR THAT. I honestly don't think they know how much debt I will have to pay back after I graduate and how little I'm going to be making. I love what I do, don't get me wrong, but at first, it's not going to pay the bills. I'm going to have to live at home and work some shit job until I can find a real one, and even then Drew is still 700 miles away. I really am preparing myself for an entire life change. I've been doing something for myself for four years now. It's getting old and fruitless.

I need to let God drive and see what happens. It's hard, but "the end will justify the pain it took to get us there." (in the words of Relient K)

If you read this, please pray for me. Or come talk to me. I really would like that.

A Gavel Falls on Marriage: The Proposition 8 Decision

A Gavel Falls on Marriage: The Proposition 8 Decision

They say we've re-defined marriage over time? Try the ruling of one Judge in one court case. (That still, fortunately, must be appealed)

As soon as we let ourselves (mankind) define something that God defines, we lose what it means to be human, becoming more and more relient on ourselves for widsom and understanding in life.

You can't take the designer out of the design. It just doesn't work. I'm not even using the Bible here, it just lines up with reality. If you are ready to start a creative project at work, the project will fall apart after it is started or even cease to exist without the initial concept, or a designer. They come up with the idea so you can execute it according to their plan. Take this to a large scale, such as this court case, and the results will be catastrophic.

One man, sinful as all the rest of us on earth, took God's design and said, "this hurts others". It may seem like a righteous and moral thing to do to stick up for other people and their longings and hurts, but if there's one thing that Christianity does not do it's please everybody. It's not some happy, feel good, find your way, emotional sespool that people dive into when they feel they need a purpose in life. It convicts, tears down, builds up, rebukes, and changes the very fabric of life. It applies to all areas of life, not just the ones we see fit.

Each "finding" that Judge stated is charcterized by a political correctness, and more broadly a secular view of truth. What's true for that Judge isn't true for me. That's secular truth. What about the stuff that lines up with reality? Like, a Penis fits inside of a vagina and that STD's are almost non-existant in healthy, monogamous, marriages. The fact that no society has been able to sustain itself with a smorgasbord mentality to family life - pick what appeals to you and all choices are equally good. The fact that the two sexes are different to the core and each is necessary for the optimal development of a child. There are studies done on ALL of those facts. The statistics are overwhelming, and those are just a few.

but we ignore those statistics saying that they are bias, harmful, and discriminatory. Since when was reality discriminatory?

We have now re-defined marriage, which means family is re-defined as well. If we lose family, society will crumble.

This is why re-definition is so dangerous, and the reason why I'm so passionate about it. It all comes down to re-definition.

It's all so simple, and yet so hard to understand.

Sinking Sand.

I am not quite sure how I feel at the moment, and I'm not okay with that. So, bare with me as I attempt to...

make no sense at all.

***

I like to have have a grasp on things and right now I feel like I don't. Things keep slipping, I keep slipping. I'm sinking deeper and deeper into myself.

Everytime I think I'm getting life right, God smacks my tray full of delicious homemade food that I spent hours cooking into the air...and then it crashes to the ground.

This happens often, and yet I still can't see it coming and prepare myself for it.

Or should I?

I need to stop lying to myself. I am nothing. I can't change anyone or anything until I change myself. If I'm living right, and loving right...what else is there?

I've thought I could be "super Sam" and run a marathon, when I haven't even trained for it. I haven't been relying on God, I haven't been renewing my mind, I haven't been really doing much of anything except trying to prove to myself that I can do this "Christian" thing.

I've been broken, again. I don't want to be this little blob of insecurities, complaints and grievances anymore. The world owes me absolutely nothing. God owes me absolutely nothing. I know this, yet I can't live this. I've been battling the culture, when I haven't even battled the bad stuff that's inside of me first.

I need to fill up with God, breathe scripture, stop judging everyone and everything around me, be thankful, love always, and live as God intended.

All this brokenness further proves to me that no man, no matter how spiritual he may be, can make it without Jesus. There's always a hammer that cracks and resounds through everyone's soul. Some push him away because he convicts, others embrace him and live for him, and some attempt to bargain with him. I'm the bargainer. Once I understood what truth was, I set out trying to get other people to see it, instead of taking the fruits of that realization to change myself. I really don't understand what love is. I have been humbled by the fact that I don't know the first thing about being a Christian. I can't build myself up, only God can do that. On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. I need to be still, and just shut up. It's not my life anymore.

<3

Reality strikes back

SO after a week of pet sitting and week of relationship nurturing it's now time for...

you guessed it!

A healthy dose of reality.

I go to Wisconsin in two weeks for a family reunion.

I go to school August 16th for band camp.

I have a bridal shower to go to Saturday.

Classes start September 1st.

My art show is the 17th of February.

I have a client's website due very soon.

I go back to work tomorrow.

I am now addicted to geneology.

I turn 21 in about a month.

There are so many things I wanted to get done this summer and just didn't.

and I have to keep all these things in mind while remembering almost hourly that Drew isn't here anymore and I have no idea when I will see him again.

*sigh*

Yep, back to reality. Lord give me strength.

Quarrelsome escpades of the family sort.

So, today was pretty normal (minus the pain in my abdomen this morning) I went to work, then I went to Bob's to feed the dogs and birds and then I came home to grab some food.

I get home, my mom is pissed and slamming stuff around.

and my brother is the only one in the house.

Here we go again.

There's really nothing I love more then family fights.

They used to put an ache in my gut, a damper on the whole day, and they just plain sucked most of the time.

but now, I see things differently.

I see them as an opportunity to learn.

My mother and my brother are a lot alike. Mostly in the temperament and demeanor they have, but also in the way they fight. Most of the time this is not really the problem.

The problem lies in the fact that my brother is an 18 year old adolescent who doesn't really pay attention to the world around him and care about others. This means he doesn't do housework unless you ask him to, and even then it will only get done on his time-line. This, of course, does not make my mother too happy. She's been working in an 85 degree warehouse all day, and then goes grocery shopping (because my brother called and asked when she was going to go). Naturally, she needs help with the groceries when she arrives at home. She texts my brother. He doesn't get the text. She calls the house, he doesn't answer. My mom is sitting in the driveway frustrated.

Anyways, long story short - a fight ensues, and my mother and my brother are both scolded by my father for being irrational.

My brother is a boy. He doesn't see past today.

My mother is well....a woman, constantly thinking about the past present and future.

This is, I'm pretty positive, the WORST possible combination of attitudes God ever created.

There's something special about growing up with two people all your life, and just figuring out why things sucked so bad prior to figuring them out. It's like an epiphany. I feel like I can solve a mystery in two seconds that would take a licenced therapist months to figure out. Knowing people...really knowing them is what it takes.

There are problems dating back to my mother's childhood, that are the reason she is the way she is.

I know what you're thinking...Duh, Sam.

However, if these are problems, they denote a negative connotation. What are we to do?

We take those negative things that happened and try to forget, forgive, and renew our mind with the help of God and others around us. I believe that's what makes the difference.

My mother never really bothered or cared to resurface her childhood issues and therefore is acting accordingly now in her 40's. She has obviously let go of a lot in recent years (losing both my Papa and Nina) and that I have taken into account. She did not exactly have the easiest childhood; growing up with 5 siblings and having a father who himself was abused and starved as a child. I'd say she did pretty damn good for what she was given.

This, a therapist may never know. This is why she acts the way she does. Now of course there is a combination of factors other than her childhood, but most of how she deals with conflict comes from that time.

Each opportunity I get to see my mother fight (or anyone in my family for that matter) I will pay close attention to their words, their body language, and even their actions after. It is really much easier now that I'm older to listen and know what needs to be said and have the balls to say it. When I was younger I let my emotions take over and get in the way of my message. Now that I'm mostly numb to any sort of family conflict (after what we've been through) I can more clearly see that it's so incredibly simple. I used to agonize over "sharing my feelings" and tear myself apart when my parents fought for no reason. I have realized that honesty is the best policy. You can never be too honest when it comes to investing in improving someones attitude. By looking at conflict as a type of learning experience has allowed me to look and listen for God more, as well. I can see him at work, even in the conflict. It's really quite amazing. I can also use conflict as a way to refine and renew myself. I want to be like my mother when I'm older in a lot of ways, she is a great housekeeper, chef, childcare expert, and selfless giver. There are some things however that I have to say thanks to my mom for showing me. She is really investing in the next generation by showing me the bad and ugly. I will be able to point out when I act a certain way more frequently and diligently now that I have this understanding.

I really just pray for my brother, that he would see the good in my mother more than the bad, as I have. He loves her, they just don't understand each other. It will come with time and age.

and of course honesty.

"An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips."

Proverbs 24:26

The Re-Definition of the 4th of July.

Fireworks, parades, candy, cookouts, carnivals, etc.

All in the usual 95 degree blistering summer heat.

Who doesn't love the 4th?

It's one of my favorite holidays.

but lets not forget what it's actually about.

"The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more."

- John Adams (in a letter to his wife Abigail)

That, my friends, is what Independence day is about. The time when we said - "Sorry Great Britain, but God comes first here!"

Yes, times have changed and there are a plethora of different religions in the U.S. but it's the move (in general) away from ANY religion that worries me. In fact, we may very well be following right in Great Britain's footsteps. This movement of Secular Individualism as I like to call it is taking it's toll on America one day at a time - too slow for us mere humans to notice or care about. Our founding fathers all had a dream for this nation when they wrote the Declaration of Independence, and correct me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure the current Government and legal systems are NOT what they had in mind. Just think if they were walking the streets today...

They would have quarrels with almost everything...not just because of the generation gap...but because we have lost many of the values they instituted in the first place.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

This has been quoted so many times, it's almost cliche now. These words still resonate with any human being if their meaning is legitimately taken into consideration.

Why? Why is this simple sentence one of the greatest sentences formed in human history?

It's the word create.

We are created equal.

We are endowed by our Creator.

It somewhat defines what it means to be a human being. and it claims certain "truths" as being life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

We have now acknowledged a spiritual side of ...government? Since when? Oh yes, 1776.

Even though many of the founding fathers believed in the separation of church and state, that does not mean what it means today.

If it meant what it means now, back then....that sentence would not be in the Declaration of Independence.

I know this is a bad time to quote Rob Bell, but "everything is spiritual".

Including the 4th of July. Praying that you all have a great one =)

Right now.

I'm sitting on the toilet.

Because I have wireless internet. heh.

and I just had the brilliant idea of fashioning this post "fifth grade diary entry" style.

What does that entail?

I'll show you:

Dear diary,

Today was a good day. I woke up and drove to work. Work was boring. I made packets and put them into folders with Chelsea. Then I ate lunch. Then I did the same thing for another four and half hours. Then...I drove to Weber and changed my clothes because I was going to play frisbee in a half an hour. Then I decided to drive to Larsen to play the piano. It was fun. Then 5:30 came and it was time for ultimate frisbee. Some people were jerks and tripped me and I fell on my knee. It's ok now. I scored three points, and had a fun time. Then I drove Kristin back to her apartment and drove home. I had ribs, peas, and herb-noodle salad for dinner. It was good. Me and my mommy and daddy watched funniest home videos and my brother Kyle made brownies. They were good! Then I played my keyboard in my room, and now I'm writing in this diary. Now I'm also on Skype with my boyfriend, David Andrew Lee II. That was my day. See you tomorrow!

A Prayer.

Dear Lord,

I thank you for this day, I thank You for being able to see and hear this morning. I'm blessed because you are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said, or thought that was not pleasing to You. I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from and listen to You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Give me the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits, knowing that they extend to great lengths in You. I know that when I can't pray You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are unsaved, misguided, misjudged, misunderstood. I thank you that I believe that God changes people and hearts. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than You. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.

Amen.

Selfless abandon.

I need to leave. (want)

I need to just get away from everything and everyone. (want)

and yet, I think I would die if I did. (okay, not die..just maybe be really upset)

Everytime I think I know myself well enough to take the mirror off the wall and live, I find something else to examine and change...or just hate. Such is life.

It's exhausting. Such is life.

Being selfless is becoming selfish of me. and that may make no sense to the rest of you, but I'm pretty sure it's my biggest downfall. let me explain the best way my confused and beat up brain knows how.

I don't win people over. People win me over, in turn making me want to win them over. It's like when I meet someone I look for a roadmap to who they are. and if they don't show me one, I make my own for them. Then I give it to them. Sometimes they are amazed at how simple the paths are, and other times they are amazed at how many twists and turns I had to go through to figure it out. People wonder why I do this, and you know what? I don't have an answer. It's the nitty gritty stuff I'm interested in, not the stuff you tell me. With my estimation, there is approximately 75% more to a person than what they articulate (or try to articulate) to other people, depending on how many walls they've built and how guarded they naturally are. It's that 75% that takes selflessness on my part to figure out, or even want to figure out. I enjoy spending time with them, being concerned about them, empathizing with them, and just figuring them out.

Of course, it's not all fun and games. This isn't some kind of pastime or experiment. but there I said it - I enjoy figuring people out no matter how much it may suck. It's something that I find very fulfilling. and that's where the selfish part comes in. It almost boosts my self-esteem. It makes me feel like I'm needed, like I'm worth something.

Me and my disposition have a love-hate relationship.

I am not quite sure if any of the past paragraphs made any sense whatsoever, but I'm pretty much just voicing my frustrations about who I am. I don't know what would be a better alternative - maybe the "abandon" part of the title.

God is showing me everyday - especially through this "character trait" (more like flaw) - that I have to take His motives and use them as my own. That way I won't become selfish about being selfless. Sounds impossible, but sin is powerful.

Jesus is moreso.

"All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD."

Proverbs 16:2 (NIV)

Lazy Sunday

Currently Listening to: I Can Feel A Hot One - Manchester Orchestra










I guess today's title is slightly contradictory because Sundays are supposed to be lazy.

What I did today:

Slept until 11:30am. ('twas nice)

Ate some Kashi and helped my Facebook illiterate father eliminate over 35 friend/group/cause invitations.

Cleaned the house. (My mother gets home from Las Vegas tomorrow)

Went swimming with my father/sunbathed.

Got dressed and went to KenTacoHut with my father and brother.

Went to Walmart with my father and brother and bought shaving cream.

Came home and downloaded songs/organized my iTunes.

Okay, so after further inspection of how much I actually did today - maybe a not so lazy Sunday.

I don't think I'm capable of living a lazy day. I'd like to be.

Bridal showers and people skills.

So today I went to Hope's (Faith's sister) bridal shower.

yep.

I voluntarily went.

To a bridal shower.

If you know me, this news may seem shocking - however, for those who don't, let me tell you a little bit about myself.

*cue ripple effect*

I am not a big fan of any sort of female comradery such as baby showers, bridal showers, girls night out, sleepover parties, spa nights, jewelry parties, candle parties, etc. It's not that I'm a complete tomboy, or that I absolutely hate these events. It's what they've become that I hate.

Money. (candle/jewelry parties)

Proving something, angry at the opposite sex (girls night out/sleepovers)

Vanity, complaints about the body God gave you (spa nights)

It's just feeding into our negativity.

All of these events should be about blessings, fellowship with members of the same sex, and just building relationships to last a lifetime.

Keep it simple. Love God. Love people. It works.

Creation.

I created this blog mainly out of my own need for an outlet to express my ideas, ideals, emotions, thoughts, frustrations, beliefs, quirks, and any lack thereof. You plug things into an outlet. I'm going to plug in myself. The parts that can be plugged into a blog anyway (Heart, mind, soul).

This is not to say, however that I don't already have other outlets for these sort of things, but if you know me you know I'm better at typing myself out then speaking myself out.

This might scare some of you away, and that's fine - I still love you. Others of you may discover that I think too much - this is true.

Whatever your motivation for reading this, I hope you get something positive out of it. I know I will.